Seeking Redemption, Finding Balance: Kol Nidre 2019

My son Jared started high school this year and the director of college counseling told us that the goal of 9th grade is to love highschool, work hard, for our students to find their passions. The point was NOT to worry about building a resume for the sake of building a resume, but to do things well and that bring meaning.

Of course we know that this is easier said than done, because in the intense NYC world in which we live, everything seems to be on overdrive. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t work hard but we need to make the work that we do meaningful and effective. It got me thinking not just about high school, but how all of us should live.

And yet, it is during these yamim noraim, these days of awe, that it is imperative that all of us take time to think about, to what are we beholden? And where, if anywhere, is there a way to get a reprieve…or at the very least, a sense of balance and freedom, so that we are not always tied up in the angst we call life!

Are there ways that we are enslaved that we need to get out of? Do we feel as if we have placed ourselves in a perpetual state of judgement in front of those we love, ourselves, and even God?

Tonight, we are all together in judgement, sitting before God, pleading for mercy. We wonder, are we the best we can be? Can we respond to circumstances in the best way possible? How can we live in our uncertain world?

We ask, what do we have agency over to make changes and when are we sometimes, beholden to our circumstances, and how should we react in either case.

It is this that I want to explore tonight. Tonight, I want us to look internally.

Simply, how can we be better? 

What tools does Jewish tradition give us?

Several months ago, in anticipation of the holidays, I decided to try new things, to see how it felt-for my body and my soul. I figured, if I am standing up here encouraging everyone to look at the new year for a way of improving one’s own life, I should do it as well. I decided that I wanted to focus on how I spent my time, how I live lived, physically, and what that meant for me, spiritually. 

So what did I do…I went outdoors of our synagogue. I rode a bike. I knew how to ride a bike since I was kid, so that wasn’t the issue, but I went on a 13 mile ride in the hills of the berkshires and truthfully, I was NOT prepared for that. But I realized, that there is so much that you can learn from riding a bike and it gave me perspective to enter our new year and it gave me insight about how we can react with others and how we can feel a sense of freedom that we might not have known we even needed.  

First, I learned that it is important that I remember to lookout on the horizon-and not just to focus immediately on what is right in front of me. When we think about our own lives, I find it is easy to get caught up in the stress of the moment, but if we are looking for redemption-the ability to free ourselves from that which is keeping us enslaved, we need to look ahead.

I am sure that we all have these moments-we are so consumed with an immediate task at work that we forget to step back and see how it is a part of something much greater. 

Maybe some of us get caught up in an argument with our kids or our spouse or our friends or our parents, and we forget to look out and feel what it means to be a part of a family. 

Second, we need to know when to shift gears-Sometimes, there will be obstacles in our way. We need to find the ways to downshift if necessary. Use both pedals and both brakes to stay balanced. 

This is not easy and I am the first to say that I don’t do this well. Many of us don’t do it well. But we need to figure out how to downshift when necessary, for if we don’t, we will probably start to tumble. And we need to find our proverbial handle-bars to hold onto – this can be a family member? A friend? A therapist? A rabbi? Don’t be afraid to have people to hold on to. You need them and they need you. 

Aside from riding  a bike, I also attempted to take up yoga as a practice this summer. Not as a spiritual practice-I think I have that covered-and to be honest, I am still uncomfortable when, at the end of a yoga session the instructor bows to us with the expectation of us bowing in return. 

But I have learned the art of the pigeon pose, downward facing dog, the various warrior positions, and so much more. But the most important lesson that I learned, was in one of the first sessions that I took. It was when the instructor said: “You know you are doing something right when you are a little uncomfortable…” (stretching your muscles, working on a new part of your body) This to me, was the lesson of the summer, and along with the balance needed for a bike ride, began to help me frame how I want to look at our year ahead. We might be a bit uncomfortable but to be our best selves we need to look ahead, stay balanced, downshift when necessary, and live with some discomfort. 

Here is our opportunity-We need to see what teachings in Judaism will help us with this readjustment? 

I believe that we can look deep at Jewish spirituality by examining the relationships that our tradition sets forth, to set ourselves on the right path towards redemption.

There are 4 core relationships in Judaism-. 

The first is- 

Ben Adam L’Makom-Between a person and God-This forces us to ask, what is our relationship with God? Do we have one? Do we want one? How do we make it a closer relationship? As we come together on the holidays, and look up towards the ark and the ner tamid, the eternal flame, we can ask ourselves, can our relationship with God keep us balanced.

The second relationship is:

Ben Adam L’Olam-Between a person and the world-This speaks deeply to two issues-one, that we are part of a global ecosystem with far reaching implications. That our actions affect others-both with people, and with the world-the physical space- in which we live. People often ask me, where are the young people today? What do they care about? I can tell you, they care about our world and our environment, and so does our Jewish tradition. 

 We need to understand what Judaism understands-that there is a link between living and the world in which we live and we can’t take either for granted.

The third relationship defined by Judaism is 

Ben Adam L’Chevero-Between a person and their fellow human being. In some ways, this is the easiest relationship to mend. We know when things are good and when we know when they are bad. But we need to do the hard work, each day, each week, each month, and year, to be in dialogue with our fellow loved ones and not so loved ones. 

The last relationship is:

Ben Adam L’Atzmo-Between a person and themselves. This may be the hardest to manage because we are sometimes the hardest on ourselves. How can we in this year ahead forgive ourselves of what we can’t do but push ourselves to what we can? 

How incredible is it, that in order to frame relationships our tradition uses the word “ben.” Between. It is our reminder to us that in all aspects of life, we sit at the nexus between one thing and another and it is so important for all of us to work on that balance.  

We can learn from a midrash that during these 10 days God begins to inscribe on God’s open tablets- the wicked, the righteous and those that God is unsure about. A rabbinic reaching tells us that “there are some who go on to eternal life and those that are the righteous. There are some who go to everlasting abhorrence and those that are the wicked. But we read “elu benonim she-natan la-hem hakadosh baruch hu aseret yamim she-ben Rosh Hashanah l-yom hakipurim; im asu teshuvah, nichtavim im hatzadikim, v’im lav, nictavim im ha-rishaim. Lifichach, mazhir hoshea et yisrael “shuvah yisrael.” And God gives to those that are in between-meaning the ones that god is unsure of- 10 days between RH and YK to do Teshuvah-and if they do it they will be placed with the righteous and if not with the wicked. And that is why in our haftorah on Shabbat shuva Hosea warns Israel to do teshuvah. But why would there be a category of those who are in between, and an “in between category” was created in order to make equal all of human kind. Since we cannot begin to project who would automatically be righteous the ancient sages placed all of human kind in the in between category. And therefore it has become an essential part of our tradition to do teshuvah during these ten days. We see that we are in fact given a framework for repentance. 

So, while at first it seems that the ten days are for God to make up God’s mind, in fact, these ten days might be for us only. We are actually supposed to look at these ten days as an opportunity for teshuvah? Although opportunities are supposed to be fun, teshuvah is never fun. We must acknowledge that teshuvah is a difficult thing-it is not simple to self reflect on your own actions and then confront a person whom you might have either wronged in the past year or have lost touch with. These ten days provided us with an opportunity to open our hearts, call our friends, and email those we love, in order to embrace a sense of balance that we aren’t fully perfect nor completely rotten. 

So how do we stay balanced-To answer this, I turned to mussar, a Jewish spiritual practice that I began to study this summer. I began by examining the concept of humility overall and in Judaism. For mussar, we learn that on a scale of behavior, humility lands between self debasement and arrogance. This is important for all of us. It is having a healthy sense of self-knowing that I that matter but there is so much more to the world than just me. We need to start w/humility because that is where we can grow and improve. Like the scales on which God places us, humility lands in the middle as well. 

As Rabbi Harold Kushner once said: The 4 most religious words that anyone can articulate are:

“I may be wrong”

Further, Rabbi Josh Hammerman taught:  “Humility in Judaism is a tribal creed (p. 187) and (P.218 in Mensch Marks:) As we come to make the most important decisions in the history of life, I personally would trust more in those who admit ignorance, than in those who claim infallibility.” 

In today’s world, humility is often hard to come by, but how would we and the world be redeemed if we approached the world, and acted humbly in all of our most intimate of relationships.

The second character trait that we can each potentially work on is also on a scale, and that is, Patience: Patience is that space between outrage and complacency…

That being said, there are moments where we need to embody a sense of HOLY CHUTZPAH…There is a story that exemplifies this:

Elie Weisel once wrote:

One day a Tzadik came to Sodom; He knew what Sodom was, so he came to save it from sin, from destruction. He preached to the people. “Please do not be murderers, do not be thieves. Do not be silent and do not be indifferent.” He went on preaching day after day, maybe even picketing. But no one listened. He was not discouraged. He went on preaching for years. Finally someone asked him, “Rabbi, why do you do that? Don’t you see it is of no use?” He said, “I know it is of no use, but I must. And I will tell you why: in the beginning I thought I had to protest and to shout in order to change them. I have given up this hope. Now I know I must picket and scream and shout so that they should not change me.” [52]

In all of these moments-all of these relationships-with God, with the world, with our fellow members of humanity, and certainly with ourselves, what we need is balance. Balance that will never be all this or all that, but don’t be confused. Balance and moderation does not mean complacency or laziness. It means understanding the world and taking the long view and knowing that sometimes, we actually won’t understand what is going on despite how hard we might try. But we should keep working towards redemption…

In thinking about this I am brought back to the weekend of Aug 3-4 of this past summer, which had within it several moments of elation and experiences of deep sadness. I was literally BENONI-feeling that sense of in between-ness, not knowing how to feel. I wasn’t balanced, rather, there were feelings of extreme emotions. 

On one hand, that weekend I oversaw a conversion, I officiated at an aufruf and then the following day, a wedding, I attended the end of the summer banquet at Dave’s camp, the Ramah Sports Academy…and yet, it was that weekend that this country witnessed the terrible mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton, and a friend from college was brutally murdered by his au pair’s ex boyfriend. How could I, in a span of 48 hours, hold these complex emotions, these highs and lows, and take a step forward to know what might come next-could it be the greatest thing ever or the sadness of deep tragedy. How did I approach this, having just spent weeks thinking about balance, discomfort, and perspective. I remembered a story about the great King Solomon:

“One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”
“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah,
“I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?” “It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.” Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet. “Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity.
“Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled. To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.” And of course, the other is true, at moments where we feel deep sadness and despair, we can try to find a way to balance ourselves and and know, that this too shall pass. The discomfort will fade.
But the questions remain-when we look out into the world, when we think about the relationships we are in, how do we adjust ourselves towards progress (since perfection is not attainable)?

Which brings me to my final idea, specifically about how we are in relationship to others. Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant recently wrote about how kids and parents need to talk to each other about selflessness and generosity, by analyzing Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. They wrote:

Self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and it isn’t healthy either. Research shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are more likely to become anxious and depressed. They’re also less effective: When teachers give up their nights and weekends to help individual students, their classes do significantly worse on standardized tests. Similarly, selfless students see their grades falter — they’re so busy solving their friends’ problems that they skip their own classes and fail to study for their own exams. …

Generosity is not about sacrificing yourself for others — it’s about helping others without harming yourself. It’s not about giving to takers — it is giving in ways that nurture more givers. It’s not about dropping everything any time someone needs you — it is prioritizing your needs along with theirs. … Paradoxically, being less selfless actually allows you to give more: Instead of letting other people sap your energy, you maintain your motivation.

To me, the nexus between selflessness and generosity echoes back to my sermon from the first day of Rosh Hashanah, as I shared my understanding of Rabbi Hillel’s famous statement and analyzed how to be there for ourselves, and for others. We need to be there, but not at the expense of ourselves. And we need to be present for others so that we don’t make it all about ourselves. This is what redemption could and should look like. 

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel shared the following story-Once, a student arrived for his interview and Heschel asked him how he traveled to JTS. The student said he had walked from the west 70s to 120th street.

Heschel said “Did you see the veteran on 117th? The man with a gray beard and a few teeth? He usually wears a baseball cap. The student said he did not.

“And the tall man with dreadlocks outside of zabar’s who stands with his hands in the air, praying? No…not him either..

Heschel said “how can you become a rabbi if you don’t see the human beings around you?

You don’t have to go far away, you just have to notice who is around you. What are their needs. What are their joys? What is their pain?

This story reminds us to pay attention. Like the man on the gates of Sodom kept banging on the door to make sure he didn’t become crazy…we need to pay attention to what is around us.

And we can do that, by listening. So, I hope that during these 25 hours together, we can gain our balance, perspective, humility, and the patience we need, to make the necessary changes in our lives, our relationships, and our world, so that we can look out into the horizon-and look forward to what we see.

Shana Tova.