Warming up with Kindness: Yom Kippur 2019

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel said: “When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.”

A fitting reflection as we come together for yizkor, to remember those in our lives and their attributes. In thinking about kindness, I am reminded of a beautiful story (Yom Kippur Readings, Dov Peretz Elkins)

I love this story as it inspires us to ask, how do we keep warm? The most obvious answer, is fire, and how important fire is in Judaism. Could it have a sense of spiritual resonance for us, today, as we think about the relationship between those who are kind and those that we recall. 

In an Jewish publication called Mosaic, ERIC COHEN AND MITCHELL ROCKLIN, reflect on fire and Judaism. They wrote:

“Stories of fire, images of fire, rituals of fire—the Jewish tradition unfolds in flames. During the Hanukkah festival, fire is central. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks beautifully describes:

Even after the Temple was destroyed more than two centuries later by the Romans, the Hanukkah lights bore witness to the fact that after the worst desecration, something pure remains, lighting a way to the future. The Hanukkah lights became one of the great symbols of Jewish hope.

But Hanukkah is hardly unique in putting fire at the center. The Passover story begins with a burning bush that remains unconsumed. At the Passover seder, Jews compare the ten plagues of Egypt with “blood, fire, and pillars of smoke”and God protected the Israelites by means of a “pillar of fire.” The seder concludes with a blessing for the retelling of the exodus and the hope for a restoration of burnt offerings and the rebuilding of Jerusalem with fire.”

It is clear that fire has played a central role in our narratives as a people and in our relationship to God. 

Cohen and Rocklin write: there are multiple ways of understanding fire, especially in relationship to God and the people.

“The Bible’s face of fire is the illuminating and the protective sense of God. “The Lord went before them in a pillar of cloud by day, to guide them along the way, and in a pillar of fire by night, to give them light . . . and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people.”

In other words: God’s fire abides. 

In all of these cases there is a sense of the transcendent and the imminent, God is both far and near, and it reminds us, that since we are created Betzelem Elohim, in God’s image, we actually have an opportunity to bring this warmth and this sense of righteousness and guidance and kindness, to others if we stop long enough to understand this. 

In our lives there are people that have guided us, as the fire guided the Israelites. In our lives there are the fires that continue to burn in a way that inspires us for greatness. In our everyday experiences, there are fires that can warm our bodies and soul.

But how do we recall that energy, on a day like today. Where we are spending so much time in shul focusing on what we have done wrong…reciting the prayers over and over…confessing our sins. How do we recognize when others have done right by us or we have done right for others?

I think that coming together now, for this moment, lights the flame that illumines a path to look beyond that which is right in front of us. 

On Yizkor and to mark a Yarzheit, an anniversary of one’s passing, we light a candle as a reminder of the soul of the departed.  Mishlei (20; 27) it states “The person’s soul is the candle of G-d…”. On the anniversary of the death, when we pray and do actions to elevate the soul of the departed we symbolise it through a candle.

To me, this ritual is so compelling. First, it gives an actual way to feel the presence of our loved one, even if we can’t see them. In many ways, it is like the Ner Tamid, the eternal flame above us. We can’t see God but we can experience God’s presence. It is like i explained to our Pre-K students when showing them the Ner Tamid….You can’t see love, but you can feel love in the actions of others. 

The jacket put on the little boy in the story I shared gave him not only physical warmth, but it warmed his heart and his spirit as well. The kindness that was displayed that resulted in a boy being warm should be an inspiration for us today. We need to look for those moments of kindness, when we people displayed warmth. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness lately, especially because Mark Wiener, of blessed memory, whose unveiling I recently officiated. Mark was a past president of this congregation and one of the things that kept him up at night was Derekh Eretz. Derekh Eretz has two meanings. First, it means the way of the land…meaning, we should have an understanding of the correct way to perform Jewishly…when to stand, sit, bow, and so on. But it has another meaning as well, which is deeply connected to Mark. To act with Derekh Eretz is to act with kindness, respect, and poise. To treat people as you would want to be treated. SImply put, to be kind. And this was Mark. Mark was one of the kindest, most decent men I knew, and unfortunately, I only knew him for 7 years. On his tombstone, his family put the following words:

Mark Wiener: Beloved husband, father, grandfather, brother, and uncle: Our guidance, our anchor, our hero: We continue in awe of your wisdom, dignity, and integrity.

These words, describe the warmth and the guidance of a man that we remember today as we hold mahzors in our hands, as our souls are warmed through his spirit. 

During this day of remembrance, we need to ask, what are the kindnesses that we can recall? 

I reached out to people to see if they could share kindnesses done, without asking-

Sara Shapiro-Plevan This is a kindness that I”ll never forget, and I recall it anytime anyone ever asks me about caring for people as they sit shiva. When we were sitting shiva for my brother in law, the parents of two of A’s friends came over, unsolicited and unplanned, and just took him for an extended playdate and dinner. It was a loving, caring gesture that I will never forget. We were such a mess that I didn’t know how to say anything other than a yes, and thank you. And I’ll always recall them with immense gratitude for their comfort and kindness.

Sarah Allen A woman in my community who I really didn’t know well at the time made me dinner like two weeks after my dad died. It was just so nice and unexpected and perfectly what I needed at the time.

Lisa Gelber When I got sick post surgery, friends drove from another borough to collect Z. Gave me the space Ineeded to care for myself and gave her the fun and attention she needed.

One great definition of kindness is: Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness. 

How different would our society be if we worked to see random acts of kindness in one another?

How different would the world be if we expected the best in people, not the worst? 

If we held ourselves up to a standard of being kinder than we can imagine, so that someone might be telling a story about us.

It is Yizkor, and we are here to remember people in our lives and then, ideally to act on their behalf, now that they can do no longer do it from beyond the grave. 

Whose kindness should we recall and what can we do in their memory?

One of the people that I recall today is my grandfather. My grandpa, Jack Ain, was a bit of a bull in a china shop and there were a few attributes that he had that I might not emulate…but… he died 10 years ago this winter but I have been thinking about him. Let me paint a picture of him by sharing one story. In describing him I often share the story of the first time he met Dave. I was in college and went to visit my grandparents at their home on Long Island. Dave and I had just started dating so Dave drove me from his mom’s house in Great Neck to my grandparents house in Old Brookville. We entered the house through the side door, as I always had done as a child. Dave and I stood in the family room, and Dave looked at all of the pictures on the wall, the mantle, and the coffee tables. He saw pictures of me from all ages. Seemingly out of nowhere, he heard a bellowing voice “everything to your liking?” There was grandpa…standing behind him…After Dave caught his breath, he introduced himself…and the rest was history. Fortunately, grandpa approved 🙂  My grandpa had deep kindness within him but it was often hidden in his gruffness. I could feel his love thought when he would kiss me hello on the cheek with his scruffy beard. His sweetness and kindness came through when we were least expecting it. 

A few months ago, 9 ½ years after my grandpa’s death…my uncle received a copy of a letter sent to the rabbi of the congregation on Long Island, where my grandfather had been deeply involved by a man, now an adult, living in Massachusetts.

Fire, Heat, Warmth…Lighting the candles for yizkor awakens our senses in a way that can be deeply emotional. We can see the reflection of our loved ones as we see the flickering of the flame. But we also know that the candle will eventually extinguish but the memory its light will remain, like the memory of the person, will remain, and though we only light a yizkor candle a few times per year but we can find comfort anytime of year by recalling our fond  memories of the person or people we’ve lost.

Rabbi David Teutch-said, Every once in a while when I glance down and see my hand, I get a jolt. It looks like my father’s hand. And I remember the enveloping touch of that warm, dry hand-its gentle embrace of mine. Though a number of years have gone by since my father’s passing, I suddenly feel his presence in my mind-sometimes when I least expect it. Usually that brings a smile to my lips. My relationship with my father has taught me that “love is as strong as death/” He is a beneficent presence bound up in my life because of the way I remember him.

As we come together now for yizkor, let us remember the kindnesses of our loved ones, the warmth from them, and the glow that we can emit through their memories and our actions. May their memories be a blessing.