Rosh Hashanah Day 1 2022

The Wisdom of Fear and Failure

Rabbi Rachel Ain

What are you afraid of?

Take a moment. Think about it.

There are many things that I am afraid of.

I am afraid of turbulence on an airplane-especially since having children.

I was terrified of a taxi ride in santorini this summer.

I am very nervous of thunder and lightning.

I am afraid of people crossing the street.

Now, the possibility of anything bad actually happening to me or a loved one in any of those situations, is slim to none, but fear is a powerful force.

In Harold Kushner’s book, Conquering Fear: Living Boldly in an Uncertain World, he wrote, with regard to fear “How do I cope? By putting in perspective as very unlikely to happen and only focus on things that I can control.

And so, like him, I will be honest, the things I am most afraid of, that keep me up at night, are the things not outside of my control, but thoe that are the closest to home-that are within my control, or at least ‘control adjacent.” And this is of course, what scares me the most.

I am most afraid of failing. I am most afraid of missing the mark either for myself or worse, if I hurt someone else.

A story is told by Jerusalem Post Opinion Page Editor, David Jablinowitz,:

One morning on the bus, a young boy is with his dad. The child complains that he's cold.

Bus driver hears. Opens up a case and takes out a coat which has the Egged logo on the back.

"Here," the driver says to the boy. "This is for you. It'll keep you warm."

The father jokes with the driver: "That's very small for you," he says.

"It's not for me, of course; I got it for my son," the driver replies, "but I can get another one; don't worry."

The father is grateful. The kid is thrilled.

"Sorry," says the father. "My wife normally takes care of the children in the morning, but she was tired today, so I took charge. I should have realized how cold it was this morning."

The driver smiles: "No one is perfect. What I'll remember about today is not that you underdressed your kids, but that you took care of your wife."

How often do we look at ourselves and our behavior as seeing the glass half full, where we only focus on our failure and not our successes?

I can tell you, that I assume most people are like that.

When I look back over any given time period of this past year, there are absolute moments where I seem to only remember what I didn’t do.

Or worse, what I didn’t do right.

I replay conversations and wish that I had said things differently or had done things differently so that my intentions and my actions matched one another.

Did I give people the benefit of the doubt, trying to understand their perspective, as opposed to just sitting in my feelings?

I replay the visits that I meant to make but didn’t get a chance to. I replay my responses to critique.

I am frustrated at the times that I spoke up and I am upset at the times that I stayed silent.

And sometimes, I recognize that I have failed simply because I did something wrong.

And, despite the fact that I can point to successes in my life, many that I am proud of, there are things that I haven’t done which are so frustrating.

In reflecting on the last year alone, there are things that I tried to do, where I was wasn’t as successful as I had hoped to be.

I tried to create a meaningful yoga practice. That didn’t happen. I had it going for a while but then I stopped. And for anyone who has tried exercising and then stopped, it is harder to start up again. Yes, one could think that this only impacts me, so big deal if I failed at this. The fact is, if I don’t feel good internally, who knows how that is coming across externally.

Second, I have tried to begin a major writing project. I have made progress but I am not yet where I want it to be. Again, no one out there is forcing me to do this, but haven’t we all tried to do something and when we can’t figure out how to accomplish our goal, we often take it out on how we see ourselves?

A third example, is the perek yomi learning that I attempted to start. In early february of this year, i started reading a chapter of Torah a day and sharing my commentary on it. I was so excited-many of you joined in and were participating in our shared learning. And then one day, after 50 straight days, I missed a day. Oh, it’s only one day, i will go back to it. And then day two, three, four and so on. I never went back to it. Not only that, I didn’t acknowledge my failure. This is the second layer-sometimes we miss the mark. What is worse is, when we don’t acknowledge it to ourselves and others, and then we have paralysis of fear-fear of continued failure and fear of what others might think. But instead of speaking about it, I went silent. This is not how to confront failure.

I know that if someone came to me to explain why they think they are a failure based on these examples, I would try to explain it away to them. Yet when we want something to come to fruition we are extraordinarily hard on ourselves, even if other legitimate things, get in the way. And yes, we would tell people, don’t be afraid of failing, just re-start or even better, realized what is gained, even in your failures. So is there wisdom in understanding what it means to fail or what it means to be afraid?

Of course there is-the wisdom in taking stock of what has been can give us an opportunity to do better:

In the spiritual accounting session that Dave led earlier this month as part of our Well-Ul-Ness series, he taught the rabbinic teaching that

Rambam, a medieval commentator on the mitzvot, in his introduction to his counting of mitzvot taught that there are 248 positive mitzvot-(medieval rabbinic biology)-cooresponding to the bones of our body, 365-negative mitzvot

Dave-“Every bone in our body is there to remind us that we can do something good and every day of the year is to remind us that we have the opportunity to fail since time might be working against us”

So do we just close up shop?

Of course not-we need to celebrate what we did even when we need to acknowledge when we fail-

So what wisdom can we find in our tradition, both Jewish and beyond, to be able to move from acknowledging failure and the fear of being paralyzed by it to an attempt to get up and do better?

Let’s first look at the story of the burning bush in Exodus 4:10

(10) But Moses said to the LORD, “Please, O Lord, I have never been a man of words, either in times past or now that You have spoken to Your servant; I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.”

1) What is Moses afraid of here? We know what he is afraid of-not being taken seriously, failing at freeing his people, or maybe worse, maybe he was afraid of death.

Can you imagine if Moses let his fear of rejection get in the way of doing what he felt was right? Aren’t we all glad that he felt he had something to share with Pharoah even if the request was extraordinarily unorthodox?

Mark Twain once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the mastery of fear.” Moses mastered his fear and look at the outcome.

Is there a time that you pushed past a fear, when you did something you were sure you could not do? How did you get there? How did you or how might you find the courage to take that step?

Dr. Brene Brown writes:

...vulnerability is the birthplace of courage. And if we want to be brave, we have to be real. And that requires risk.

She continues in her writing Braving the Wilderness: The question for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, “The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of life in our lives. It’s the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid-all in the same moment. It’s showing up in our vulnerability and our courage, being both fierce and kind.” Brown’s reflection demonstrates the balance that we are hoping to find in our lives where we want to not fail but also not be afraid. This notion, of embracing the scary parts, and finding a way not in fact not be afraid is articulated in the Hasidic Rabbi’s teaching, Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav, who wrote, “the whole world is a very narrow bridge and the main thing is not to be afraid.”

Anyone who tells us not to be afraid on a narrow bridge is actually acknowledging the fears that each of us has. We have fears in life, death, and belief, and sometimes, we wonder, is that ok?

Of course it is, but where does that leave us?

We read in Proverbs:

משלי י״ב:כ״ה

(כה) דְּאָגָ֣ה בְלֶב־אִ֣ישׁ יַשְׁחֶ֑נָּה וְדָבָ֖ר ט֣וֹב יְשַׂמְּחֶֽנָּה׃

Proverbs 12:25

(25) If there is anxiety in one's mind let them quash it, and turn it into joy with a good word.

In commenting on this, the rabbis in the Talmud teach:

יומא ע״ה א:ב׳

(משלי יב, כה) דאגה בלב איש ישחנה רבי אמי ורבי אסי חד אמר ישחנה מדעתו וחד אמר ישיחנה לאחרים

Yoma 75a:2

§ The Gemara explains another verse in Proverbs: “If there anxiety in a person's heart, let him quash it [yashḥena]” (Proverbs 12:25). Rabbi Ami and Rabbi Asi dispute the verse’s meaning. One said: He should forcefully push it [yasḥena] out of his mind. One who worries should banish his concerns from his thoughts. And one said: It means he should tell [yesiḥena] others his concerns, which will lower his anxiety.

I love this-in order to deal with our fear of failure, we need to connect to others. We need to talk about it.

In Rabbi Kushner’s book he writes:In the Jewish tradition we prepare for the holiday by adding a psalm to our daily services. Psalm 27: It begins: The Lord is my light and my salvation, who shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of what shall I be afraid? Though a host encamp against me, my heart will have no fear.

The message of the liturgy at this time is Yes, this coming year may have its share of pain and problems but don’t be afraid. You have the resources with you and around you to cope with them. Don’t let the fear of the unknown rob you oft he pleasure of anticipating all the good things that away you. When the psalmist tells us three times in the first three verses of his psalm that he is not afraid, the message I hear is that he is afraid, but he is working at mastering his fears.

And so how does this apply to us? Rabbi Kushner writes:

Picture a young man preparing for his first day on a new job, a job that represents the first step up a career ladder that he has been dreaming of ascending since he was an adolescent. The night before he has to report for work, he cannot sleep. He is afraid that he will not be up to the challenge. How does God ease his fears? God says to hi, of course you are fearful! You are able to step into the unknown, and the unknown is always dark and scary. But picture it this way: YOu are headed down a long road, a road that represents your career, and you don’t know where it will lead. At the end of the road there will be two doors. One will be marked success , the other is forgiveness and resilience. One of these doors will open for you but you won’t know which one until you get there. But does it really matter which one? If you are talented and work hard, you may succeed or you may be vitcimaized by bad luck or other people’s meanness. If you are lucky, circumstances will guide you to succeed beyond your talents. Success would be very pleauant but the alternative to success is not failure. The alternative to success is discovering that people don’t love you for what you achieve; THEY LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. And the by-product of not succeeding in this job is an opportunity to pick yourself up and begin again.

The question is, how do we give ourselves the strength to do that.

Arel Moodie, a motivational speaker who came to SPS last year recently share:

I have had this nagging thought that has been with me my whole life... that I'm going to lose it all.

Whatever I build, I will lose it.

At some point no matter what I've built, I'm just a moment away from losing it.

I've had this low-grade nagging feeling ever since I could remember.

As a kid: that girl who likes you? She's going to realize you aren't who she thinks you are and she'll move on when she realizes who I really am, a nobody.

As a college student: All those friends you have, if they really get to know you, they wouldn't be your friends, you'll have no friends. You'll be alone.

As an adult: that business you built, it's all going to come crashing down. You'll lose everything.

It's always there, maybe that's why I work so hard. It comes from a fear of losing everything.

…

Maybe it's the evil inclination or "yetzer hara" or the devil that lives in all of us….

And often when things are going their best... this voice becomes the loudest.

It's fear.

It's fear of success. Fear of failure all wrapped up into a twisted voice. HE CONTINUES: I can't predict the future, and neither can you. Our worthiness is simply a choice to accept the feeling of worthiness or reject it….

As long as there is a small sliver of hope, you are worthy, you are enough.

Therefore, you need to believe in yourself even when you miss the mark. Even when you fail. Even when you are afraid.

As Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam ( 15 October 1931 – 27 July 2015), an Indian aerospace scientist and the President of India from 2002 to 2007 said:

If you fail never give up, F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning"

End is not the end, in fact E.N.D. means "Effort never dies"

If you get no as an answer, remember N.O. means next opportunity.

Then, you need to be there with others to really look to succeed.

In the song, Bo, by Israeli Popstars Rita and Rami, we hear the lyrics:

Come, let us disperse the screen of fog

Come, let us stand in the light and not in the darkness

How long will we keep running away

To the games of control?

You are allowed to cry sometimes

When something breaks inside of you.

Tell me a little about the moments of fear

As it is much easier to fear together.

Fears are less scary when we face them together

Just think back to the scene in the Wizard of oz where Dorothy, the tinman, the lion, and the scarecrow all come together. We each have things that we have and we each have things that we don’t but we can be complete when we are together.

Just as our body can really only work when our bones are working in tandem and our communities can only work when we are all looking out for each other, I believe that each of us can grow and succeed, when we do it together.

There are cards in your seats that we are calling Jewish engagement cards. They are somewhere between an invitation and a challenge. The best kind of challenge that is. I know, because each of you are with us for these holidays, that Judaism and Jewish community means something to you. I hope that in being in it together, whatever you might be hoping to try, can be done this year. And if you fail, that is ok.

My book, our books, the books that we want to be in, aren’t done. We chant Avinu Malkeynu and ask God to inscribe us in the books of life. The book of forgiveness. The book of sustenance.

But what we need to realize is in our fear of failure, in our anxiety that we hold, in our concern of not completing what we want to do, these are examples of Brene Brown’s vulnerability. So of course we are asking: Will I falter? Yes. Will I be afraid, sure? Am I worthy? Absolutely. Can I forgive those who have hurt me and will those that I have hurt forgive me? The answer, I hope to all of these questions, is yes.

We are beginning a new year. We have a chance to partner with God, with our families, with each other, and most importantly, with ourselves when confronting our fears. Let us write the stories that we want to write and do our best to make them come to life as we walk the yellow brick road not to the emerald city, a magical place that doesn’t really exist, but to our home, Our Jewish home, where together we can succeed, we can fail, we can dream, we can live, we can pray, we can cry, we can forgive, we can celebrate, we can hope, and most of all, we can be together.

Shana Tova.